"Made Me Think"

Close to midnight last night, I was driving back to my apartment complex from a friend's place after watching the UF vs. LSU football game.

It just goes to show you how conscious you have to be on the road. I had just passed an intersection, and I was going speed limit down the right-most lane. I noticed a man standing on the median, observing the coming traffic. The closest car to me was several yards ahead.

Between the break of my car and the one in front of me, the man began jaywalking across the street. I was only several feet away from him as he began to run into my lane. I stepped on the gas hard, blowing past him just as he hit the spot where my car had been a split-second before, and averted the predicament that would have been his certain death.

I still don't know what he was thinking. I don't know if he was drunk, or if he was perhaps suicidal. But my heart has not pounded that hard before. My blood has never raced like that.

I can't imagine what it would've been like to be in the situation where someone's blood is on my hands, even out of their own stupidity. I'm grateful I don't have to deal with that. But just thinking about it...I mean, at that point, I just wanted to get back to my apartment and stay in my room for the rest of the night.

It certainly made me think.

Get it? Got it. Good.

I've finally managed some form of a grip on this semester.

All of my responsibilities are settling nicely. The workload is exactly the same as it was my first day of classes, but continuity has proven the best form of familiarity.

I had intended on continuing my trips to the gym, but time has proven very valuable this semester and I've had to adjust to alternate methods of stress relief. So, I am very happy to report that I've been pleasure-writing more this semester. I have found the time to devote some of my life back to this passion, and despite the stress and chaos of the season, I have been enjoying this semester. Writing has allowed me time to think and delve into my conflicts, challenges, and opportunities from different angles than I might be able to consider if I am alone with my thoughts (as opposed to having a pen or pencil between my fingers).

That being said, I must now return to my daily schedule. Before signing out, I wish to leave a recent photograph of which I'm rather proud.

And there's more where that came from. They'll all be viewable on my Flickr within a matter of a week.

Peace out!

And I return!

I am a junior. This is my third collegiate year.

I have a separate life on the Internet, and it has evolved vastly. I have left evidence of this on Xanga, Livejournal (which is making a comeback at this point in my life), Facebook, Photobucket, DeviantArt, Flickr, and Blogger. (Perhaps countless others, but these are the major milestones that I recall best.)

I am now an Advertising/Public Relations major and an English - Writing minor, and I am very happy with my decisions to proclaim these studies. However, my academic life is consuming much of my social life. I find myself preoccupied with assignments for all of my classes - more loads of work than I have ever witnessed. And I am determined to complete every last one of them on time and in a fashion so that I receive the best education from doing the assignments. Occassionally, I'll distract myself with some feature of the Internet, or with cooking pasta or making a sandwich, or with a quick hang-out session with a friend at Taco Bell or Burger King. But I have remained focused, and I am doing my best to be successful in my time management, and in pacing myself so that I don't get burnt out during the second week of classes.

To keep my sanity, I write extensive Livejournal entries, put thoughts down in a very cool notebook I bought at Super Target, IM friends while working (in a manner that allows me to be consistent with my studies), listen to music, and capture photographs whenever I find the opportunity.

I may be taking on too many activities and classes this semester. Only time will tell, unfortunately. The best thing to do is practice crisis management. I think it's effective so far.

This is mostly another entry to hold over this blog. With all the events coming up, I don't know when I'll have another chance to write. (Football games, homework, studying, and too many other activities cluttering my brain.) I know I offered my Photobucket account a few months ago, but I have been avoiding that web site due to the amount of worms trying to invade my personal computer from the ads on the site.

I have moved on to Flickr (as I briefly stated above). I have a free account because I can't afford much more at the moment. I am very pleased with the site, though. It's a nice storage for the best of the best of my photographs.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/the_stein/

Feel free to leave comments, constructive criticism, or whatever you feel, if you choose to take a look. Anything would be appreciated.

And I must leave with that. Hope this entry finds everyone in good fortune.

Reach

I've really been getting into photography lately.



One of these days, I'm going to steal my brother and make him be my very first photoshoot subject so I can get in some more practice. (You know how 15-year-old boys are.)



I've been using a Canon PowerShot SD750. It's a remarkable camera, and the photographs come out lovely (and even more so after being edited, which is rapidly becoming another interest of mine). But it is still a point-and-shoot. It's awesome for every-day activities, but not ideal for professionalism. I've had my eyes on a Canon Rebel XTi. (I like Canons, FYI in case you didn't know. Haha.) The results of that DSLR are amazing, and once I sweep up enough money to get one for my own, I'll be elated beyond understanding.



Anyhow, I had plenty of photography experience/practice this past week. My family and I took a cruise around the Caribbean on Royal Caribbean's Liberty of the Seas. (What a ship.) I got some interesting shots, and edited my first photographs with the provided Canon software.

Photobucket has been trying to leak some trojans on my computer lately (through advertisements), and that's currently where I store all my photos online, so I've been seeking out some other photo-dump sites. I'm on Flickr, but I'm not willing to pay for an account. It's been quite a search, but I haven't given up hope, yet.

Perhaps I'll dump a few photos in here later for constructive criticism and (hopefully) enjoyment?

My Dream Dictionary

Content: Multiple nightmares about the apocolypse

Meaning: Playing too much Fallout 3

Sometimes.

Sometimes Destiny and Reality intersect in the most inappropriate of manners and at less appreciative times.

There are truly no neutral grounds whilst in a battle against oneself.

To each his own life. I leave this open for interpretation.

My Dear Friend

I wanted to claim your decision admirable. Your actions epitomize your good heart.

Yet, I must bypass that claim and, instead, dub it as unwise. Your intentions are good, but your thinking and judgment is clouded.

It is OK to think solely about yourself if the deeds against you are in malice, which they are. Sometimes you are the better person when you stand up to the misdeeds of others - especially one who claims to be your friend.

I am there for you, and I have been in your place. I hope you one day see what I see, and act accordingly. I hope you do what is best for you.

Above all, I ask that you remain true to yourself. Do not sacrifice your genuity for hypocrisy. You are a wonderful person.

A Macro Epiphany

While sitting in my Macroeconomics class, I wrote down some thoughts that had surfaced as I listened to the lecture. I read through them once, and I do not know how much sense they make, but I do know this is how I was feeling and the best way I was able to express it. I am too physically and mentally exhausted to edit my rants and raves, but I feel compelled to make them official. Here you are:

I suppose I've always taken interest in the gray areas - in the subjects that challenge my mind with no sure answers - psychology, public relations, advertising (all intricately related). I've always struggled through math. I prefer a challenge in creativity, in understanding. Understanding people, behavior. Analyzing.

It's still business. It guarantees money so long as I believe in myself.

But my ultimate goal is to be happy with my life, regardless of whether that brings money, fame...With happiness, I think life will guide itself. I want to spread that happiness and anything positive to as many others as I can. I want to fulfill myself through education, knowledge (both informational and spiritual).

If I strive for wealth, fame...well, great. Yeah, I'd love that stuff, but if that's all I'm aiming for, I'll probably get lost in those goals...and there goes life. It's too short. Sometimes I wonder what the point of life really is, but when I'm happy to be alive, what does that question matter?

I will have to make my own mistakes, and some of them will suck, but that's life. I just want to live and understand life, grant more life to the world, share my life with others, live with the man I love, be his life, and, one day, finally give my life to history, reminisce, memories. I just want to live so that when I die, I know it was all worth it. Isn't that humanity?

Terms of Acceptance

I had quite a terrifying nightmare last night.

It was the end of the world, and I was playing basketball with my younger brother and another person whom I do not know. I do not know where my parents are. From many angles, I try shooting the basketball, but I continuously fail to sink it through the hoop.

The man I do not know points to the sky. A presumable funnel cloud is forming. Quite a few, actually. The clouds are swirling, gray and threatening. Doom is imminent. The man begins to panic, but I still try to take shots. I never sink the ball.

My dream snaps to the same scene, but a different situation. I have my cell phone out and my service is wavering. I relentlessly press the "Call" button in the hopes to have a signal long enough to call my boyfriend and tell him I love him. We are both in our hometown, and he is seven minutes away, but the world was to end any moment, and seven minutes may be too long to reach him, and I need to let him know. The dream gets fuzzy here. I do recall talking on the phone, but I don't believe he was on the other line. Rather, I am rehearsing what I will say to him in the short amount of time I have. I recall saying, "My service is dying, so if it hangs up, I'll try calling back."

This sequence ends, and the nightmare flashes to the room of a house. I am standing in it, and my boyfriend is next to me. I don't recognize the house, but it somewhat resembles mine. It is actually standing upon the land in which my current house resides. Right between my neighbor's houses at the base of the cul-de-sac, but with a more open view of the sky.

We're on the second floor, and there are wide windows opened to the outside air and sky. The sky is of all colors. Toward the north, it is a pretty blue. As I look east, that blue turns darker and darker until it is completely black and hopeless at exactly 90 degrees to the east, storms punishing the Earth, and eventually, us. But it is beautiful and awe-inspiring. I make a mental note to find my camera and take pictures.

I remember walking around the second floor of the house, but I do not remember taking any pictures. I know that I will, though. Even though it is pointless. All life would ceast to exist at any moment thereupon. But I was with the one I love, and I was home, and for some unreasonable rationale, I wanted to take pictures of this moment.

The nightmare ends around here. Upon waking up, I only remembered my boyfriend. My nightmare bothered me. One would think the end should be peaceful and welcoming. Instead, it was vicious and menacing. It was scary. To not be able to reach the one you love is a horrifying sensation. It was not the apocolypse that frightened me. Overall, it was my disconnection from my sweetheart. My cell phone - a device on which I frequently depend - was unreliable. I had but three words to say, and I sacrificed several valuable minutes with which I could drive to his house in order to achieve some kind of fulfillment, satisfaction with the undetermined amount of time I had left to be alive. To exist.


This week has been rough. I knocked out one of my exams today. I have yet to take another. It is for Macroeconomics, which is one of the classes within my minor (which is Business for Non-Business Majors).

I was under the impression that I would enjoy economics courses in college because I had such an appreciation for the subject in high school. Quite the contrary, unfortunately. I am not enjoying my Macro class, and I would very much like to withdraw from the course, but I am unable to do so or else I risk losing my Bright Futures Scholarship (which is paying 75% of my tuition). So I'm going to sit it out.

I also have a test within my process for the honorary band fraternity, Kappa Kappa Psi. I have decided to join this fraternity after much thought. I feel this is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I love volunteering to help the band, I have made countless wonderful friends, and I have entered a valuable networking tool. I love meeting new people, and I love being with friends. And I feel that KKPsi will present many leadership opportunities, which I also enjoy.

However, with any group of friends, there will be drama. With any group of people, in general, I suppose. And with my recent realization that my minor is perhaps not for me, things have become a bit complicated in regards to family. I suppose my father loves me so much that nothing will be good enough for me. He is very concerned about my future, and he continuously asks me if it is a good idea for me to be involved in marching band throughout college, if it's a good idea for me to have a degree in Advertising/Public Relations.

I want to switch my minor from Business to English - Writing. I have no doubt my dad is going to question this.

I have done much thinking, though. I am well-aware of what I am doing. I do not know exactly where I will end up, but I know I will be successful. I am doing what I love right now, and I intend on pursuing what I love throughout life.

My ultimate goal in life is to be happy.

I mean, that's what motivates life, right? Money certainly doesn't. Happiness is the key. Control is the key.

I love writing. I love reading. I miss writing essays. (Weird as that may sound, especially coming from a college student.) I have always intended on a minor in English, and now is my opportunity to follow that dream. Some of the classes are more professional, and offer the benefit of learning to write proposals and create a resume. The other classes, admittedly, may sound silly (such as "Science Fiction Writing"), but honestly, writing brings out the best in me. It epitimizes who I am in essence. It stimulates my creative growth. Ad/PR (Advertising, especially) requires creativity. It encourages its practitioners to try new things, do what they love, and then to channel that positive energy into something productive, effective, and smart.

I pray that I can make my dad see this. My mom does, but my mother and father are two profoundly different people. If anything, I just want their support. I have always seeked my parents' approval, and this may be the first time I really rebel against them. I, of course, have their consent to pursue what I want in college, but I know my dad would be much more content if I stuck it safe and became an accountant or something along those lines. Something that, especially with this economy, would be promising as far as the dollar is concerned.

To tie things up, this nightmare put many things in perspective. I woke up with many epiphanies. Many insights. This will certainly be out of place, but I typed up my ideas on Facebook this morning after waking up and I wish to conclude this extensive post with those thoughts.

"Thank goodness for these insights. Things may have been getting scary this week, but I realize, ironically enough, that it is not the end of the world. I must continue to strive for my dreams, and even if they are not reached, it is not a terrible thing to keep trying until I fall. And when life presents an opportunity, take it. Don't opt out for anything less. Life, until the very last moment, will progress, and it is up to only ourselves to keep up with it. The world is still turning.

"Perhaps the most important and applicable concept I came to terms with this morning was this: When things are rough and becoming more difficult to bear, do what you love. Find a moment of happiness, or at least a smile. Sometimes you can't do anything about the state of things, and you just have to force yourself through them. Life is a game of control."

That is all.



A note: This entry, quite obviously, was more for me to vent my thoughts, frustrations, and all that jazz. It is, of course, much appreciated if you sustained enough patience to make it to this little note. My apologies if this was more diary-esque than entertaining. To compensate, I offer a link to my Photobucket account:

http://s605.photobucket.com/albums/tt132/The_Stein/

A Blue Cloud

I realize I fail to update this consistently.

It is strange. I am very much a writer. It is an innate part of my soul. Yet, I have not written much lately.

I used to keep a Livejournal and a Xanga in high school. It was a way for me to communicate with my friends. I updated regularly and daily. Reading back upon my entries is embarrassing for me. I was a hormonally-ridden teenager. But I do not regret my past. I would not trade mine for any other history. That is who I was, and that is what consists of who I am.

Now I use Facebook. Any entries, or "Notes", that I post on Facebook are usually pieces of personal literature - mostly fictitional.

My last post on this blog was a description of some of the classes I am taking this semester. I'd intended on updating the next day to give some perspective into my Principles of Advertising and Principles of Macroeconomics class, but I never did. I suppose I wasn't in the mood. Unfortunately, I am not in the mood now.

I think I was afraid of change. I was not in the mood for typing any more thoughts on this blog those months ago, and I think it's because I was trying to force myself to stay the same person I was, and had almost always been. But now I am learning to embrace the changes I am currently going through. I am maturing, both physically and mentally. Emotionally, as well. I am growing into an adult, and I am learning individualism, responsibility, and to manage my self-discovery. Things were a little scary as I recognized these changes - realizing that I was not as innocent as I had been as a child or even teenager, losing interest in some of my previous hobbies and developing new interests in things with which I had never dealt. But this is growing up, and although I may be tempted to flee, I cannot escape from myself. I must learn to live with who I am, and I must learn to love who I am.

So that's what's going on now. That's what has been happening for the past few months. I have gone through many changes. Perhaps I'll share them here one of these days.

What brings me here today is actually simple: a friend whom I have not spoken to for quite some time suddenly sent me a line online. (Actually, I got in touch with three very old friends today. A piece of my past reconnecting with the present.) He sent me his blog, and I read through it and recognized at once that his writing was very different than it was in high school. His blog entries were short, but profound. I had never seen that side of him - his mentality. He usually concealed himself with humor and silliness. But he has grown up, and it was interesting getting to know him all over again.

I was inspired to type here. So hello, again. I do hope to be here again soon.

A smile.

A farewell.

A promise.

A Thought

I am surprised at the strength of the heart, and the hits it will take to preserve the body.

The mind seems to find itself in the middle of such lashes and pain.

I seem to be stumbling backward. Reality has hit me so hard in the face that I have somewhat lost my balance.

I hope my feet find the ground again soon.

The Realistic Painter

The new semester has finally approached.

In 2008, I finally finished all of my general education classes, which are required for me to graduate from my university. Needless to say that I'm grateful those are over. That being said, I don't recommend taking a bunch of weed-out classes at the same time.

This new year has granted me the fulfillment of finally taking classes toward my major and minor: Advertising/Public Relations and Business (respectively).

Today I attended the first two classes on my weekly schedule: Public Relations and Intermediate Spanish.

I'll be honest in admitting that I have had some uncertainties. Although I've established Ad/PR as my major, I have questioned myself a few times on this decision. But reading class descriptions for required courses and possible electives replenishes my excitement for my major, and for a professional approach in this field.

I chose a professor who'd received very admirable ratings on RateMyProfessors.com for my introductory Public Relations course, and within the first few minutes of class, I was able to see why so many students had raved about her. My professor seems to be a very genuine person, and a very experienced professional who can offer my class a lot of information about the PR field. She explained to us that PR is a rather new, and underappreciated field, and gave us a bit of an idea of what a professional PR career promises. Since she still works in the PR field, she promised that she'd be able to grant us a lot of information that would not be available in our textbook, and guest speakers who will tell us about different aspects of the field.

After a series of endless internal debates, this single professor - on the first day of class - sealed my decision with nothing but an authentic smile - evidence that a degree in my major can fulfill happiness. There are countless web sites available to serve statistics, and it is to my understanding that the careers within reach for my major offer a substantial salary, but there is a fine boundary between quantity and quality - and a decent paycheck will not promise total satisfaction in life. I want a job I will love (and I want to be realistic in salary, of course).

Anyhow, my Intermediate Spanish class left me very confident, as well. My beginning Spanish professor was a sweet woman, but she didn't necessarily give the class what we needed - an ear for the Spanish language and the opportunity to practice speaking frequently in the class. My current professor created a very friendly atmosphere within the classroom and spoke Spanish for the majority of the class. She promised to assist us with our questions and problems. One of my personal ambitions is to learn to speak Spanish fluently. I want to cross that linguistic border socially and professionally. (I know it will be a huge advantage when I'm ready to get a "real" job.)

On that note, a month ago, I applied for a job at Disney - where I want to end up professionally upon graduation. It's been a personal dream to work for Disney for the past four years now. However, the economy is rough, and because of this, Disney hasn't had any openings for many months. I am currently on their waiting list, hoping with all my might that I receive word about an opening for a part-time character attendant position. But I need to remain realistic right now - there are no promises for a job at Disney right now, and I need a job. In fact, I had constructed my academic schedule so that I would be able to maintain a job during this semester.

Upon all of that, I have also received a bid for KKPsi (as of last semester), and I am fairly certain I will be accepting that bid this semester. I have put a LOT of thinking into this decision, and I have changed my mind at least a hundred times (possibly no exaggeration), but I think I should go for it. The chapter at my university has so many wonderful people whom I've become very close to as friends. My boyfriend is a brother in another chapter, and this will no doubt bring us closer. But I told everyone I would do this for myself if I chose to accept the bid. I will accept it because I feel it will benefit me - not to please my friends, not to satisfy expectations. I want to feel that I am making the right decision.

Welcome to college, I suppose. I am leading a busy life, but I am loving every moment of it. I cannot even begin to describe the endless opportunities and memories I have received and made. Happy New Year, indeed.

12 Grapes

I have many New Years Resolutions for this year. Perhaps updating this blog more often should be one of them.

- Exercise more often. I do not dislike my body. In fact, I like it very much. However, there is always room for improvement.

- Do not give up. I have many ambitions to achieve. Nothing is sure in life. I know this now, and I understand, but I will fight for what I want, and especially for what I need.

- Devote more time to studying. It is not foolish to surround oneself with friends, but it is wise to organize time in a responsible manner.

- Enjoy life. There are many opportunities to mope or cower, which means there are many challenges to make the best of what is offered to you and to live a fulfilled life.


I have always found that writing is a good outlet for me, and I love it. Overall, I think updating this blog more often will clear my mind, and ultimately, help me manage my resolutions. Perhaps I'll conserve some sanity, as well.

Well, to all, a very happy new year. I hope it brings to each of us just what we need.